


don't apologize (it won't save me)

by DrewWrites



Series: Marvel One-Shots [9]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, First Kiss, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 16:05:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18472345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrewWrites/pseuds/DrewWrites
Summary: Steve takes his last chance.It doesn't change anything.





	don't apologize (it won't save me)

**Author's Note:**

> I got inspired by being sad to actually write something sad.
> 
> Me????? Acknowledging Infinity War or Civil War????? Unheard of.

Steve's feet pounded against the pavement, his breath short as he ran through the compound doors.

"Where is he? Has he left yet?" He yelled into the room, barely skidding to a stop.

"He's on the roof, waiting for the jet to come back." Natasha had barely finished her sentence before Steve was rocketing towards the stairwell and taking the steps two at a time. He refused to be too late this time.

Steve stumbled out of the door, and there he was.

Hands in his pockets, standing at the edge of the landing pad.

Every word, every rehearsed 3am speech, every thing Steve has ever wanted to say to Tony, it all evaporates.

"It's not New York, but as last views go, it's alright," Tony says. He's looking out over the dark trees and thick wood that surround the compound.

"Tony-"

"Please don't try to talk me out of this." He turns toward Steve, and his face is free from the bloodshot eyes and tear tracks that Steve was expecting. Steve walks closer, until they're mere feet apart.

"There's always a way out," Steve says. Tony gives him a soft smile.

"I remember when you said that to me while you hated me." Despite his smile, Tony's voice is humorless.

"I've never hated you. Tony, I'm so sorry that-"

"Please don't apologize, either. It won't do either of us any good. Just tell me what you came up here to tell me."

Steve's brain seemed to jumble even more. He should have expected that Tony would know. Steve has always known. They've both probably always known.

"How do I save you?"

"I don't know. I don't think there's a way out this time, Cap." He sounded so calm. How was he so calm?

"I don't understand. How are you okay with this?" Steve asks, his vision starting to blur. Tony crosses his arms and bows his head to the ground.

"I'm not, not really. I'm terrified. Please, just say it already." Steve notes that Tony's hands have a white-knuckled grip around his sweatshirt sleeves, his shoulders are hunched over his body. 

"Will that change your mind?"

"I don't know."

Silence hangs between them as Steve's mind runs blank. Without thinking, he closes the distance between them.

Slowly, he wraps and arm around Tony. Tony leans the rest of the way in.

Steve used to think that kissing Tony would be sweet, earth-shattering, hot, passionate, but right now all Steve can feel is pain. His entire body feels like it's going to implode from the amount of regret, sadness, and anger he feels. He grabs Tony's face with his free hand, and he tries to put every ounce of remorse and longing he holds into the kiss.

Tony's face is wet with tears. Steve tastes salt and feels Tony's body shake. 

Steve's enhanced hearing picks up the sound of the quinjet in the distance, and he wrenches himself away from the kiss. It feels like his heart is bleeding into his lungs.

"I love you. I've loved you for years, it feels like decades. I loved you through Ultron and Siberia and everything before and after. And I'm so sorry."

The roaring of engines moves closer.

Tony's eyes are still closed, and he's still gripping Steve's arms. He rests his forehead against Steve's chest, and they listen to the quinjet arrive.

"If they," Tony takes a deep breath, "When they come back, tell them that I love them, and that this was my choice." His voice rumbles against Steve's skin. Steve tightens his hold on Tony despite the ramp on the jet lowering.

After a minute, Tony unravels himself from Steve, and looks him in the eye. For the last time, Steve's mind notes.

Tony looks like he's gearing up for a long speech, or some verbal last will and testament. Steve waits the full 15 seconds it takes for Tony to start speaking and takes in every detail about the exact color of his eyes and the curve of his nose that he can.

"I- Steve I love you."

He slips out of Steve's grasp, and heads towards the quinjet.

He doesn't look back.

**Author's Note:**

> If you couldn't already tell, this is inspired by "listen before I go" by Billie Eillish.
> 
> Tumblr - apieceofandrewforyou


End file.
